How I (Didn’t) Deal With My Anxiety During Virgo Season 2020

 ♍Virgo season♍ began on August 23rd and ended on September 22nd. During these 30 days, our minds may have felt a little overwhelmed and cranky, as it is typically Virgo to over think and give our thoughts more power than they should have.

 

Virgo is a sign known for its perfectionist nature and attention to detail. They are logical beings, sometimes a little too logical to the point where they end up obsessing over a problem more than they should, just because they need to find that perfect solution. (Spoiler: It doesn’t exist!)

 

Also, as critical thinkers, they tend to overthink themselves into worrying about something that doesn’t need to be worried about. (I should know, I live with one.)

 

Thus, coming into Virgo season, I was not at all prepared for the mental chaos that would invade my mind in the first half of September.

 

Yeah I had no idea...at all

It started one night when I heading to a local community spot in Petaling Jaya for a private movie screening. The night was young, my mind awake and full of possibilities that excited me at the thought of meeting new people. I had entered a giveaway by the centre and won a free ticket to the screening, so I was pretty estactic. 

My sister was the driver of the night. She had never been there before, so as we took off I gabbled excitedly about how friendly the people were and how much she’d enjoy the screening even though I’d never been there myself. That should have been a red flag that I was over-hyping myself to expectations that (probably) couldn’t be met, but hey, let’s get excited and deal with the disappointment later, right? 😏

 

It only took us half an hour to arrive. Entering the centre, I was not prepared for what was to come. There were two huge sofas, a couple of bean bags, and a large mattress filled with thick, cushy pillows that took up most of the space in front. I was expecting plastic tables and chairs, so this took me by surprise. Fairy lights were dimly lit and draped across the ceiling to give off a relaxed, chill vibe. The projector was set up between the two sofas, reflecting the light on a broad wall where the movie would be shown.

 

I admired the relaxed arrangement of the space, but something had shifted. It was unfamiliar to me, and I felt out of my element. I remember hovering at the doorway, unsure if I should compliment the space, sit down, or make a lame excuse to escape to the toilet to pep-talk myself out of anxiety in private. Unfortunately, the host invited us inside. Too late to escape. 😱

 

I found myself wishing I was anywhere but there. Thoughts of “I don’t know anyone, I don’t belong here,” flashed through my head. A particular one stood out at that moment: 

“This is going to be awkward as hell. I’m going to embarrass myself and regret I ever came. This was a mistake.”

We all have this, don’t we? Moments where we feel top of the world, then effectively self-sabotage by playing right into the mind trap. (Please say you do, I can’t handle being the only one 😅)Any sane human being would have smiled and handled the situation with grace, but I went down the deep end quick.

 

This was just one of the many insecurities that came up for me then. Looking back, it was actually pretty funny. I had barely said two words, but was already bashing myself up for not doing things the ‘right’ way. Anything I said or did was met with intense scrutiny of my own brain. I was mentally screwing myself, but in that moment I was barely aware of it, so focused was I on making myself look normal and presentable. 

Why couldn’t I just enjoy the moment? Why did I have to overthink and complicate everything? 😑😑😑

 

So, one night when I couldn’t sleep, this particular memory resurfaced and chose that moment to taunt me. I spent about an hour rolling sleeplessly before I sat up and declared to myself that enough is enough. Since I had so much going on in my brain, it was clear that I needed to let go of some stuff. My shelves were overflowing with books collected from annual visits to BBW and sporadic visits to the bookstore, so it was a great place to start.

 

Image may appear messier than it looks.

I took a leaf out of Marie Kondo’s book and tapped my books one by one, trying to decide if they still sparked joy for me. I won’t bore you with the details, but at the end of it I had identified a pile of Young Adult titles I no longer wanted. These were my favourite titles during my late teens (they have such pretty covers!) but emotionally, I had moved on from them.

 They were divided into two piles—one to be given to a friend for her book rental business. Check it out here! While the other was to be donated the Beli Nothing Project Facebook group for requesters and hoarders to make a bid. I hope I made some random requester very happy.

 

My streak didn’t end there. I surprised myself further by actually organising my Spotify playlists. I collected these with an obsession that mattered if we were ever going to run out of music, but only played the same ones over and over. *guilty pleasures*

 

I was feeling very productive, having added 30+ songs and deleted about 11 playlists when the exhaustion crept in. How welcome! My mind finally gave way and was tired, enough—to sleep without feeling paranoid about anything. Oh, remember that time when you messed up that speech in public two years ago? Too late for that, I already felt bad an hour ago! You can’t hurt me anymore! 

 

Taking a good look around my room, it was a mess—piles of books in the corner, my bed unmade, and bags I had dragged out to stuff my books inside. But my mind felt light and free.

 

See anything you like? If you're lucky I might still have them...😂

Needless to say I happily drifted off into sleep and had many sweet dreams. This wasn’t the first night I spent in sleepless paranoia, but it was the first time I chose to do something instead of letting my own thoughts control me. So here’s a personal tip: the next time you face night anxiety, organise your room. Or bookshelf. Or playlist. Heck, rearrange your room furniture if that gets you going. You’ll feel much better after!

 

Push yourself to tackle a block in your life, something you promised you’d do someday but never did (the land of tomorrows, amirite?) 😂

 

Oh, and if you’re wondering, I did end up having a good time at the movie screening after all. I got over my self-inflicted anxiety and managed to socialise like a normal person. I definitely could have handled that much better if I hadn’t stressed so much about the little things. Overthinking kills! 😒

 

Now that Virgo season is over, I am plenty relieved that this obsessive thought-crunching process is over. Though my decluttering practice still needs some effort, so I’ll be continuing that throughout the year. Meanwhile, Libra season beckons! ♎